Written July 23, 2009     

writers on the loose - write your own columns
Write your own column!

© 2017 Bob Lonsberry


46 Responses

Note: Comments of readers are their own and do not reflect the feelings of Bob Lonsberry or lonsberry.com.

# 1. 7/23/09 12:43 AM by Che Guevaras winged monkey - Spiral Jetty Gay Kiss, Utah
Dear Shama Lama Ding Dong,

It sounds like a great investment opportunity for me to help you out!

I will send money as soon as I win the Idaho lottery (My 12th year participating...gonna win any day now!)

And by ordering my 28th magazine subscription from the Readers Digest Sweepstakes my chances of winning big are double!

I'll soon be able to send you $$$

# 2. 7/23/09 12:54 AM by Betty - Webster, NY
thumbsup.gif Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong, I was deeply moved by your touching letter as I too find myself in such a predicament. My master had great wealth as well. He was a philanthropist of the highest order. At every opportunity he would toss a homeless fellow a penny and advise him to get a job. Funny how the coin always managed to hit the fellow square between the eyes. No matter. Good advice is worth far more than any amount of money. Dear James' misfortune arrived in the bathtub rather than by the deeds of a pencil sharpener, but I suppose that has more to do with the habits of a fellow. James always lacked in penmanship skills, but he was a far worse swimmer. But I digress, please allow me to assist you in your troubled times. As the the hottest chick on the block ( just ask the gentlemen leaving for work at six AM whilst I do my weeding) my troubled heart bleeds for your misfortune. Please allow me to help you. It might only heal the broken and bleeding heart left by the loss of my dear James.

With Greatest Gratitude and Respect, Betty Smythe

PS I've had three boobs since birth, but the rumor about James being smothered are false. I was there.

# 3. 7/23/09 1:00 AM by Paul Martin - Rochester NY
Good one Bob! Had me in stiches.

# 4. 7/23/09 1:20 AM by JUNO
thumbsup.gif Today, I think your drunk Bob. I absolutely forward. Would you like a few?

# 5. 7/23/09 1:32 AM by Brandon - Logan, UT
Hey, Bob, you idiot. You forgot to include the phone number or email address of the place where I should send my account information so I can score big....er...help out these people. What are you playing at, anyway? Just teasing me?

# 6. 7/23/09 5:29 AM by John - Pittsford
But did you get the extended warranty?

# 7. 7/23/09 5:58 AM by Rick G. - Spencerport, NY
Dear Mr. Dong,

I would gladly help you in your quest, because are we not all children of Vishnu, but alas, I have foolishly spent most of my life’s savings supporting the illegitimate spawn of unworking mothers and horny sperm donors, publicly funded projects such ferry boats to nowhere, a General named Motors and of course, a President who cares just a little too much for people who enjoy the finer things in life, such as holding out ones hand for the gravy, without knowledge of how to work for the meat.

Here is the PIN number of my neighbor,who still has an OBAMA sticker on their lime green 1999 Honda Insight: 33662728 (DEMOCRAT)

Your servant in Vishnuatude,

Rick G.

# 8. 7/23/09 6:15 AM

Where is a good place to rent a cottage on the water in New York State? There are so many places.

# 9. 7/23/09 6:32 AM by Rick G. - Spencerport, NY
#8 - just about any home in the Rochester area is currently considered waterfront property.

# 10. 7/23/09 6:41 AM by Mike - Rochester
thumbsup.gif You're totally crazy!! LOL!! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

# 11. 7/23/09 6:58 AM by Doodad Pro - Nunda, NY
thumbsup.gif Most righteous sir:

May the blessings of the mighty Obama trickle down upon you, and raise your boat.

Your message is the answer to my prayers! I am in need of funding for a mission of my own.

In three short years non-believers will try to remove my master from his throne. The throne where he sits, brokenhearted. Brokenhearted because the warm air that he passes to us, his loyal subjects, does not have enough substance for some.

He is working as hard as he can to squeeze as much out onto the people, as fast as he can, while sitting on his throne.

But 2012 approaches and we need funds to continue his work. He needs a second term to finish his business with the America.

While I cannot accept large sums of money myself, I can give you a list, provided by some associates in the DNC, of as many names and bank accounts as you'd need to spread the money around, so as not to draw the attention of the non-believers at the IRS.

In return, our Department of Agriculture will appoint you "Czar of Goatherds". While the title is impressive, it carries a hefty salary, health benefits and pension that would allow you to buy your own village back-home.

P.S. I can tell you are sincere because you misspelled Scot.

# 12. 7/23/09 7:01 AM by Dolly llama
ACT NOW!!! Today Only-The Secret of Life. All your dreams come true. The only sure thing in life. Just send $29.95 to learn how. $3.00 Postage and handling.

# 13. 7/23/09 7:05 AM by ex-pansy
Dear Mr. Ding Dong,

I think I better go eat breakfast first before tackling this one.

Are you related to the cup cake?

# 14. 7/23/09 7:20 AM by Tim - Rochester
You're just mad because they wiped out your checking account too!

# 15. 7/23/09 7:23 AM
This is the kind of meltdown i expected from you as we approach July 27.

Editor's Note: that's right, the assassination date. please shoot me below the neck, i want an open casket.

# 16. 7/23/09 7:25 AM by aj from walwoth - Walworth
Here's what bothers me....

Stupid emails like that are still being sent. Does that mean there are still some folks who just fell off the turnip truck and fall for the rip-off as well? (No offense to turnips or the truck drivers.)

How can people still be so STOOPID? BTB was right - there is one born every minute!

# 17. 7/23/09 7:45 AM by Marty - Tax-me-very-much, NY
thumbsup.gif Damn, you mean that I was not the only one offered this great deal... Boy you can't trust anyone these days. Marty


OK. So this came from the White House, didn't it.

# 19. 7/23/09 8:43 AM by Kelly - Rochester NY
Is this column referring to the new government health care project? Do I send my money in now, or later?

Also, what is the deal with the July 27th date? What did I miss? Is this like the 2012 end-of-the-world thingee ???

# 20. 7/23/09 8:46 AM by Jolene
thumbsup.gif SHAM WOW is also included.

# 21. 7/23/09 9:09 AM by Stacey - Pittsford, NY
Of course, this column is an expression of symbolic fictional figures and actions of truths and generalizations about human existence and conduct. In other words, this is an allegory of president B.O.'s question and answer session last evening, while indirectly speaking to the American people.

# 22. 7/23/09 9:58 AM by Masked Marvel - Parts Unknown
Get a drug test --- quickly. Or, check yourself into rehab.

# 23. 7/23/09 10:26 AM
Yup, so many scams!, so many cons! Thanks for your input of some morality in this cold thiefly world of ours. There's people scheming right now, on how to rip somebody off. To keep peace of mind and a positive attitude is a good thing to practice. Easy to lose ones morality when not sharing some time with the right people for support. But this is all what everybody knows already.

# 24. 7/23/09 10:30 AM by Steve

Several years ago when the Fast Ferry debacle was going on, there was someone who kept posting "monorail," a reference to a Simpsons episode. You mostly ignored it, and the moron kept posting it. Now you've got some moron who keeps referencing some date you will supposedly be fired or killed, or some such event. Will you please acknowledge him and explain what he keeps going on about so maybe he'll go away.

# 25. 7/23/09 11:05 AM

# 26. 7/23/09 11:37 AM by Mark - ER
thumbsup.gif What amazes me is all the stupid people that fall for this stuff. Greedy and stupid is no way to go through life. (not to mention fat and drunk)

# 27. 7/23/09 11:46 AM by Forward - Backward
'Shama Lama Ding Dong' is highlighted a couple of times on YOU TUBE VIDEO.


# 28. 7/23/09 11:51 AM by Worry About Yer Own Job
I'm sick of that "JULY 27th" guy.

# 29. 7/23/09 12:21 PM by Off topic question
Help settle a disagreement. Do you think the twisties from a loaf of bread are worth saving in a junk drawer for some future use? I like to save them and can not get my wife to stop throwing them out. Every time I buy a loaf of bread I feel like I"m also buying a future problem solver. How do you and your readers feel, to save or not to save?

Editor's Note: save them, you dope. no doubt. something is up with that wife of yours. she might have been dropped on her head when she was a kid.

# 30. 7/23/09 12:47 PM by Pete
thumbsup.gif Bob,

Allow me the latitude to play the role of a liberal demoncrat and how they would spin this if Bush was in Power!

Because of the Hussein Obama's spending on the pork ridden stimulus, tremendous rise in unemployment, lack of over-site of the stimulus money given to banks and financial institutions, tried but failed Cap & Trade, bailout of miss-managed companies, special interest groups who donate to demoncrat campaigns, Barney Frank and his years of self profit over-site of Fanny/Freddy, Nancy (botox face) Pelosi's personal use of Government protection and property, Obama's trips and Mrs. Obama's spending, the salaries and free health for the Members of Congress, this forced down our throats health care and last but not least the raising of our taxes, (which Obama states is not going to happen).

This is why these bogus emails are being sent more and more often today.

With this Country hitting the skids as it is today and will get worse, I would also send these emails with the grandiose promise of instant wealth.

The more this phony President puts us in the hole, the more people will respond to these get rich quick schemes!

# 31. 7/23/09 1:07 PM
This was amusing. And unexpected. Kudos!

On the other hand, I'm reminded of a line from Terry-Thomas:

"And this infantile preoccupation with bosoms! In all my time in this Godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms!"

You're the poster boy, Bob. We all like bosoms, but you seem to cross the infantile divide, methinks.

Editor's Note: actually, i doubt that. thought doesn't seem to be your natural forte.

# 32. 7/23/09 1:14 PM by ID
Tears finally came to my eyes over something one of your respondents wrote. Betty, #2, had me laughing in the aisles. Priceless!

# 33. 7/23/09 1:51 PM
Got one of these myself just today, signed Michelle Obama.

# 34. 7/23/09 2:26 PM by Dave - Buffalo
My neighbor says this is legit. How do I get the account numbers to you?

# 35. 7/23/09 4:00 PM by Bart Brimley - Layton, ut
Here's one I got just today: I honestly never knew this...........very interesting!!! Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica- where do they go? Wonder no more!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "freeze a jolly good fellow."

# 36. 7/23/09 4:03 PM
Hey asshole - that was actually funny.

# 37. 7/23/09 4:25 PM by Rick
I miss Dave Berry, too. Are you auditioning?

# 38. 7/23/09 4:41 PM by Mike Rosenhan - Kearns, UT
I thought this was a Nigerian dude? Must have been a later reincarnation.

I have an idea. Let's tax this guy for health care.

# 39. 7/23/09 5:06 PM by Thomas M. - Rochester, NY
thumbsup.gif Bob,

After reading your column and responses, I'm guessing this email I just received isn't real either: (damn... I could have really used the $1.5 mil.)

Attn Beneficiary; We are write to inform you that we have already sent you USD$5000.00 dollars through Western union as we have been given the mandate to transfer your full compensation payment total sum of $1.5 MILLION USD ,000.00 via western union by this governemnt. Therefore,You advise to contact Western Union Office to give you the information to pick up your USD$5000.00 immediately and call DR,Richard Goodman on this Number +229-963-899-70. to send another USD$5000.00 today as you know you will receiving your payment $5000.00 USD per day. Contact DR,Richard Goodman on his contact below as he is the person incharge of your payment to have you payment information from him. Contact DR.Richard Goodman Email:( wes.union24@yahoo.com.mx ) Phone number:+229-963-899-70. Call him on his above number and also write him on his above email address for him to help you. We are waiting for your urgent conclusion of this matter. Best Regard. Mr,Frank Maxwell.

# 40. 7/23/09 6:23 PM by Mark - Pocatello
bob, thanks its been a hard day at work and I needed the laugh, any time boob and dong are mentioned in the same column it is a classic. If you ever do discover the elusive "three boob Betty" please share the location with those others of us, who like you were never truly weaned.

# 41. 7/23/09 7:09 PM by Sherry - Newark, NY
thumbsup.gif Still laughing, three breasted beast! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

# 42. 7/23/09 8:50 PM by Jolene - Sandy
thumbsup.gif TO..... "MR. OFF TOPIC" RE: twist ties. I don't save them anymore. I used to. I would go to use them and the paper had disintegrated that was on the wire. That was frustrating, but doable. Now it seems to me that the wire on the twist ties has gotten more flimsy. So, I throw them away. I don't know, should I go back?? I don't recall being dropped on my head.

# 43. 7/24/09 5:57 AM by Lorette
About the twisties.......I confess to sticking a few extra in my pocket while I'm shopping. Then I have new ones to use and they're not falling apart.

Editor's Note: isn't that stealing?

# 44. 7/26/09 8:03 AM by Pete
thumbsdown.gif Did anyone see and listen to the Hussein Obama address the other night?

Did anyone listen to his words?

He stated in so many words, we cannot allow this Countries debt to get out of control for our future generations, ALL the while he has put this country in debt for "Trillions" of dollars!

He is allowing the printing of money the Treasury does not have!

Has anyone ever seen the movie "Soylent Green" 1973 with Charlton Heston, if you haven't then please see it or read about it because this is basically leading to where his health care plan is going!

Hussein Obama is a sick, sick, sick, degenerate excuse for a human being!

# 45. 7/27/09 9:06 AM by Sharona - Rochacha
Comment #2 was priceless! As was your column Bob!

# 46. 7/29/09 11:27 PM by Dave - rochester
Bob, You do realize that waaaay too many of your diatribes, articles and thaughts include the term 'pendulous breasts'. You have a sickness my man. you are controlled by the female mammary gland. In addition, you believe that all men; even the normal ones, are likewise controlled by this all encompassing and uncrontrollable pattern of thaught. I love ya, but don't you think this infatuation is a bit untoward, unhealthy; and in general, detrimental to yur success and happiness? Commi Lib Dave ps: I like half oranges. Nothing more- on my women, that is, if I actually go for girls.

Would you like to:
add your own comment? or send this story to a friend?

bottom left